28 May 07 Monday

- Forgive me, as I have become the trail of mutilation towards destruction. Evil for all Current mood: pissed off Category: for no reason other than entertainment Well, I was about to take a shower this morning when I noticed the scale under the table, So I decided to weight myself. I haven't weighed in two months. When I did, nearly fainted, I have lost 30 pounds. I weigh now the same thing I weighed at 14. My diet of cigarettes, diet root beer, pb & J sandwiches, and greif is working quite well.  My doctor had given me diet pills, but I quit taking them, unless I want to not sleep for a few days. God knows, I don't move around much.  I really noticed I was losing weight the other day when I didn't recognize my own body. I could feel my ribs and then at Lindsey's I was sitting on the couch just kind of slouchy when Lindsey's Mom asked me how much weight I had lost. Later at my cousin's b-day party, I walked in and everyone said something about me looking alot smaller. I had noticed my clothes were bigger on me but I did really pay that much attention. For the first time I actually feel, dare I so boldly say attractive. Now, it's like sit back and wait for someone to tear it all down for me. That's normally how it goes, I start feeling good and someone comes along and just rips me apart. For instance, this one thing sticks out in my mind, I was feeling a bit more confident in myself and this guy who shall remain nameless tells me this "funny" story about his friends who are cunts by the way. He tells me how these two cunts were drunk and somehow got on the topic of me, which is apparently a popular topic sense one of them "dated" me when we were 13. That dosen't count as dating.  It has been brought to my attention that they enjoy making fun of me. Despite the fact, I don't even know them except through other friends. Anyhow, this story that I was told basically consisted on them talking about how drunk they would have to be to "fuck me" as they so eloquently put it. The thing that bothers me as the person who told me this though I would find this funny and he still doesn't realize how hurtful it was. He muttered an apology after telling me this because he girlfriend practically told him to. I ended up later that night hitting him in the balls with my purse (playfully) but it really hurt him and yes I meant to hurt him. He didn't understand why I hit him and still dosen't. he brings it up randomly and it's like he just dosen't understand what it's like always being the ugly fat girl who was always the butt of every joke through out her school years. I just people like the cunts I mentioned before could have their world destroyed. I would love to do it with my own hands. Gods know I could shatter their shallow lives in ways they never imagined but I have a sense of morality and a concept of karma. I'd rather not suffer for vengence on their stupidity. I will say this, I any of them dare speak to me or provoke me, I will not take it! That's their only warning. They know who they are and I don't give a shit if they have "changed" to me they are still shit who deserve nothing good in this life or the following. I have been holding this back a while. It's one of those things that float in the back of your mind and nag you a little bit everyday. I simply can't forget these things. I am so used to insults that I expect them but not from people they are "friends". I'm not going to just lay there anymore and let this stuff eat away at me. What's the point. I'm changing this, and I'm not going to be that token fat ass anymore. 20 more pounds and Suicide girls here I come. I don't know why I can't just be happy with myself as is, but I can't, I'm tired of hating myself over this. It has always been a back bone of my depression and why I didn't want to leave the house. This self hate and guilt over things that were out of my hand. I have held in for so long and losing the weight feels like getting rid of all that. It's like being liberated. I feel so much better about myself, and i just feel better phyically. I don't hurt like I did before. I guess now I need to take a pic of my whole self, not just the head shots. I really feel like I look normal now...heh, normally built...Still in touch with my androngy. Oh yeah another favorate insult, looking like a gay man in drag. WTF? I thought I looked quite ladylike and nice that day. I don't mind the comments when I am dressed in my normal everyday clothes, but come on, I was wearing a fucking dress and heels. I do love dressing up all girlly. I'm girlly girl on the inside. I love make-up, jewerly, and frilly clothes. I just never get a chance to wear them except funeral...lol...that's bad. Ok, I think I am going to have a nap now. I took my meds so no fucked up dreams for me. Oh, that reminds me, I have a new kinda thing happening in my dreams. I'm riding the passinger seat, instead of the back seat. Mom is in the back. Dad is usually driving. It's just weird to me. Most dreams involving cars, I alone and am trying to drive it, but I can't stop the car and I can barely control it. Lindsey says that is symbolic of me feeling my life was out of control and I wanted to contol it. that is true. These new dreams though, I don't know. In this one it was kinda funny because we were listening to Open House Party and Carl McCoy was on there doing an interview about the gig. Then Xiberia comes on the radio..most likly it was playing on my Ipod at the time. Then my friend was driving and the radio turned into a makeup set. later I dreamed a "reanimater dream" only I was dreaming it in the dream and I was like that's silly. Mom's been brought back. After that came the Moonspell on Ellen dream which lead to a dream about my birthday and no one coming to see me or anything. I remember in the dream Robbie talking about Daddy ignoring me then he is like "oh, I gotta go home and sleep" The daddy says the same about Robbie after trying to persaude different family members to come over, but none did ofcourse and he takes off on his bike. Typical, he usually pawns me off on lindsey or makes me call her over if he's going somewhere, instead of being there himself. I'd rather just be alone if that's the case. Back to the dream, It ended with some fucked up brady bunch thing. I did hang out with Fernando in the dream! Ha and I was doing the laundry in the birthday one. What's new there. I hope I can avoid another reanimater dream this morning. Maybe another one of those McCoy dreams, with the robe...heh..I like those, as long as it ain't Mr. Crowley under the robe...eww.

26 May 07 Saturday

- We're but fools of our fate. Take the dream Current mood: awake Category: lost in the elizium for sleepless souls      I got my Diploma today, that's right a year late. Atleast I got one. It was a bitter sweet day, I didn't show it but it was. i wished mom was with me there when I got. That was the last real promise I made to her was that I would graduate and go to collage. http://www.thetowntalk.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070525/NEWS07/705250333/1002/NEWS17      I don't think everyone knew why I "quit" school. It was because of my depression problems and I felt like I needed to be home. Itwas more important to be with Mama. At the time that I quit we had just lost our house that my family has  lived in for 30 years and we moved to my grandmother's house. At that time I simply thought that Mom needed me for moving and emotional support but I soon realized it was more than that. I needed to spend as much time with her as I could. I still feel guilty for neglecting her in my earlier years before I understood my depression and the dreams I had. That leads me to the next subject that I want to get out. This blog has become my vent and I have all these thoughts in my head that need to get out or they will just drive me insane. I just regained what little sanity I had and I don't care to lose it... or maybe I actually lost all the sanity and that's why I feel so free. Anyhow back to the subject of dreams. I had the first dream at the age of 14. Mom died in it and I was trying to find a way to bring her back. Her ghost was there in her favorate gown, and her hair...she was the picture of beauty as always. I recall in the dream, me basically using necromancing techniques that were completely foreign to me at the time. I was terrified of the concept of Nercomancy. I didn't even know the proper name for it at the time. I did know that there was something important about that dream. It wasn't like others. I felt something deep inside of me change. I knew something was coming. Then the second dream came when I was late 17 almost 18 and in that the events that occured did actually occur. I remember Mom was in it telling me something that I know in my sub-conscience and I can't actually articulate it, I just get the idea of it. Kind of how I am about Themelma, its something I know and all the books are just reminders, but that is another blog.  In the dream though there were a series of events. First was Lindsey tearing up a note from her Ex-Boyfriend, I know a trivial thing right? The second was moving to my grandma's house. Third, the person whom I fell "in love" with. She wasn't in the dream herself but her little girl was and I had her kid with me because of a relationship with her. The forth, was my mother's death. the fifth was (is) my father's aloof behavior. Then there were other small things like me shopping alone for Christmas stuff, which is to come, I think. That part basically represented my taking over and assuming the respondsablity for household things like decorating. These events all occured except the latter...that is yet to come. Lindsey tore up a note I had for some reason that her ex wrote or she wrote him. We found this note backing my room up for the move to grandma's. The infatuation manifested itself there after. Then Mama did die, and Daddy is quite aloof. I recall think he killed himself in the end of my dream. I actually see that happening. He says things sometimes that just kind of sound leading. If you know what I mean. He usually stops mid sentense or mutters it, but I hear it. I think I hear sit for a reason. I know he isn't happy and there really isn't anything I can do for him. I decided to just let him go. Do what he wants. Back to my dream, when Mom appeared in it, she was that same beautiful women she was in the first dream, same gown and hair. I dreamed later when I was 19 that we were in the hospital and it was up to me to pull the plug, and I felt like no one would help me decide. I asked her in the dream even though she was unconscience in it, if she was afraid and she said no. That dream told me everything I needed to know. I remember when I awoke from that dream, it was 2 in the morning and Mom happened to get up and walk past my room. She saw I was crying. because I woke up crying. She asked me if I had a bad dream and I told her yeah, but I didn't tell her about what. I told her I didn't remember. I did eventually tell her of the other dreams one day at the hospital. The doctor came in that day and told her the cancer spread. The first goddamned time I go back there to talk to the doctor with her and that happens. Anyway, I told then that I dreamed it and that I tried to do a spell to save her. I gave everything I had into those spells. I offered everything, myself included. My blood and my tears went into it. I realize now somethings are set, and all you can do it alter them with your will. I don't think Will is in control of everything. Somethings are destined to happen. I remember the things she told me that day. They will stay with me forever. She didn't get mad at me for the spell. She understood why I did it. At the time I did lose my faith, no I doubted my knowledge. I don't have faith, i don't believe. I know. That was the first time I really questioned the thing I devouted myself to. The first time I doubted Them. I don't feel that anymore. I feel closer to Them now. I know more now. I know mom doubted her faith, but I know that she made her peace with it all.  Those last days are playing in my head right now like some tragic movie. It was cinnmatic in all it's beauty and its horror. The images don't haunt me so much, like they did before. I can close my eyes now and not see that zombie-esque face. I can sit in the dark with out seeing her like I did in my dreams. I can sit in silence without hearing that breathing, but I'll never forget a second of it, or lose a detail. I don't feel this way all the time now, and I'm not terrified to be alone anymore. She's gone from this earth completely. It wasn't that I was scared of her ghost, I was scared to see it. It meant she didn't leave, she didn't go to Sumerland. I know she did though. I remember this poem thing, I wrote the day after I went to the Doctors office with her. The Dawning I awoke at dawn the morning after, and watched the sunlight grow slowly. The way it graces the green as it glistened with bitter smelling morning dew. I could feel the renewed light try to penetrate my imperfect circle. The horrible visions flashed before my eyes, the prophecies are coming true and I hadn't noticed until now. The letter she tore, the move we made, I became a quitter, it all fell in to the design. I need to get out of this house. It doesn't feel like home anymore, nowhere does without you. I always thought my gods helped those who helped themselves. I questioned my faith that day decided it was an elaborate lie. I told her what I did, I fucked up, I just didn't want her to suffer and she didn't but she didn't heal ether .... You can't have it all can you. She confessed the she was really depressed and that she would change places with me if she could and I would gladly except. The morning now lit my purple room with a soft heavenly glow. I saw a ghost in the mirror, I saw her ghost in a dream and she was so beautiful, she always was. I want to be just like her. The pain in everyone's eyes, full of pity, she resented it. I only resented all the happy ones. She told me a story of how her friend's mother died when she was my age, and how she planned to be here. It was in the back of our minds though. That dream that caused us to cry our absinthe. I never felt pain so real.... And all I can do is dream of better days that won't come.       Now is my time to live, so I can die complete. I'm looking in the cracks and hollows, and I am feeling to good that the earth has to offer, sometimes more than others. It's liks something in a poem I wrote that I have been referencing often lately for different reasons that have a common link in an abstract way. Some of the lines remind me of a friend, and others are reminding me of myself. I originally wrote this poem for class, and it was revised sitting in bed with mom along time ago, 3 years or more. That time was the height of my writing so far. These lines inperticular are lingering in my head: "I have seen places where no flowers grace monotone walls, only thorns and jagged dry limbs, but despite all the ugly and, all the discontentment. You must look behind the battered and bruised. There you can find the lost beauty and enchantment, the magick and bliss that we where meant to find. That is why I try. Try to make an attempt at life and struggle past the grotesque. I will it away, I have an undertaking to interpret, and so do you." "I still dream, I still progress through. Even though there perplexing and extraordinary times, when our heads lead us to a darker place, that are at most; welcoming and cathartic. Yet, there are those rare times when the path drops off to a rigid cliff, leaving you in a place where the blue and grey will hurt your Nordic eyes. I still must ask of you not to give away what is yours, to climb back up, reclaim your chosen path, and never let it dissipate."   "I will be doing the same as you, rebuilding what we've broke and creating a more functional design of ourselves, rendering our infinitely wrought fate in the spiritual shade of night. For, that is where we are meant to hide, in the shadows of the mystical night, reveling in the purity and good the nocturnal time emanates. We are the hidden patrons of the lost nocturnal faction, finding our strengths, our hearts and our very soul in the darkest of light, the vulnerable dawn. We live in truth of what faithfully surmounts. We prevail, you will prevail… and I will be here for you. " What better sums all this up "We're but fools of our fate" That album by Fields of the Nephilim, Elizuim still takes me to that place in my mind were I find comfort. I have listen to this album for years and I always loved it, but now it has a new meaning for me. It's my salvation and Mourning Sun is my New Life. It represents the new chapter I am starting in my life. I would like to build on the memories of elizium. I read a qoute by Carl McCoy today where he said that he wanted to create music that when he closed his eyes it would take him. That is what he has done not only for himself but for all the sleepless, and "lost" souls. I never want to lose this euphoria that his music invokes. I know I will tire of it one day but I don't think it will ever not have that meaning it has for me now. I can't articulate this feeling I have right now, other than complete peace and beauty. I never want to lose this. I never want. "Unless all this moments are lose in time, like tears in rain" I refuse to except that. It's a beautiful quote and it's thought provoking, but it's too hopeless. I'm through with hopelessness. I have wasted to much of myself on it. I know I'm only 20 and that sounds silly. My body is young and I act it sometimes but my soul is old and it's drawing toward the divinity it seeks. I gladly except that. I take the dream. "we must suffer to free our pain"